I recently came across a blog called “Not Always Right,” which details people’s run-ins with moronic customers while working retail jobs.  It’s pretty addictive to read the accounts of jaw-dropping stupidity, and as someone who has worked retail in the past, I sadly relate to many of the stories.

I hated retail with a passion.  Customers tend to believe that since you’re trying to make them happy, they can walk all over you and treat you like shit because it’s their right.  Of course, not all customers are assholes; I met a lot of really cool, nice people while working in the accessories department of Guitar Center.  But the fact is, I have story upon story that would unfortunately qualify for inclusion in the aforementioned blog.

One of the reasons I left my Sunset Blvd sales post was that I just don’t have the right attitude for customer service.  When people prod me, I tend to prod back.  When someone tries to put me down, my initial response is generally to put them in their place with an acerbic remark of some sort.  I just wasn’t made for retail, it would seem.

One of my favorite stories from working at Guitar Center has to do with a very common occurrence of idiocy that happened every day in that store—people trying to haggle down prices on small items that they are not planning on buying in bulk. A guy came up to the counter and said, “What’s the best deal you can give me on those D’Addario strings?”

My first response when people asked me that was to simply turn my head, look at the price, and repeat it right back to them. “$3.50 a pack, sir.” His response: “Is that the best you can do?”

At this point I’m already irritated with the guy. He makes no attempt to work up a rapport with the employee who has the power to give him a discount. He is trying to haggle down one of the lowest-priced products of one of the lowest-priced items in the store, guitar strings. But I was usually happy to accommodate such requests if they were looking to buy 10 or 15 packs at a time. So the rest of the conversation went as follows:

Me - “Well, how many do you want to get today?”
Him - “Oh, just one.”
Me - “Is that the best you can do?”
Him - *grumbling* “OK, OK, I get it.”

He proceeded to buy it at—gasp—full price. From then on, a co-worker of mine referred to me as Evan “Is That The Best You Can Do” Brown.

I recently discovered the morbid genius that is “Garfield Minus Garfield,” a project in which beloved comic fat cat Garfield is removed from each frame of the perennial strip, revealing Jon Arbuckle’s incredibly sad existence.

The task of removing our furry orange friend is not the most monumental, seeing as how there’s very little art involved in the background of this comic that’s been cranked out by a factory (a laugh factory?) for decades now. But the results are both hysterical and a major downer. Never before have we been so forced to address Arbuckle’s hopeless desperation. No longer is his pain padded by feline punchlines that he could never hear in the first place.

I tip my hat to the creator of this darkly funny concept. I can only hope that I don’t turn into Jon Arbuckle someday.